I don’t know... I just feel so lost these days. And I have no motivation left in me. Like I look at everyone around me and they’re all at least being productive, if not happy. And then there’s me. My friends are too busy with their own lives, I have no will to do anything and my family, well, we’re all separated. I live with my brother but I barely get to talk to him. Everything just feels so numb and I hate it. I’ve tried making new friends, didn’t work. And as for everything else, it falls apart anyway. Always. I just want to be able to do something where I don’t feel so useless. I’m not good at anything at all and no matter what I do, it never seems to get beter.

I’m looking at the sunset in the park. It’s a little chilly. It was overcast earlier. There was plenty of space today!!!!!!!! Glad to be out. Wish I’d got more sun. Brrrr. There was a cool antique car earlier. My favorite dog wasn’t here but then neither was a nuisance person.

I’m at the point in my life when everyone around me is asking, what now? The truth is, I have no idea what now. I used to know, I had this idea in my head that was perfectly and easily planned out but now and in the past week, I’m questioning if that’s even what I want anymore. I sit here and wonder if I’m even that person anymore. Then one day, it hit me. I don’t want this, it’s not me anymore. Which begs the question, what do I want? Then yet again, it’s the same answer, I have no idea. I have no idea what I want as a job, or if I want to go the college. I just wish I wasn’t so indecisive. The reason I’m freaking out is because my school has started talking about scholarships. Here’s the thing, everyone says I should sign up the scholarships, even if I don’t know if I want to go to college because if I decide I do, then they are there. However, what if I decide I don’t, then those scholarships go to waste and I took money away from someone who actually needed it and probably deserved it a lot more then me. Another thing one my plate, I’m moving to Alaska with my boyfriend towards the end of the year. Meaning, if I do want to go to college I have to find one there, which would be really expensive, or I can go to a completely online program, but for what? I would say I’m interested in a lot of different things such as reality, teaching, writing, pretty much anything I guess. I’m one of those people who would apply for any job and I’ll do it. I don’t necessarily care about the money, except I don’t want to be living out of a box by the time I’m 20. I just have no idea how to decide. Any advice?